About

I’m a daddy’s girl. Always have been. I have three brothers who have always treated me as the fourth. I was never allowed to be little miss princess (though my mother did a great job instilling a little bit of femininity within me), but was treated as one of the boys. I have 18 cousins, only 3 of which are girls. I grew up thinking crying resulted in weakness and showing emotion was a negative thing.

My family grew up with a “figure it out” mentality ingrained in our heads. We couldn’t ask how to do something unless we had first attempted to figure it out on our own.. It’s shaped my brothers and me into individuals who love to problem solve, consistently play devil’s advocate, constantly strategize, and rarely ask for help. This mindset has helped each one of us succeed in different ways. But it set me back in one area.

I’m competitive and stubborn. And with "figure it out" as a foundation for how I handled situations, I wasn’t going to “lose” by not being able to do so. This is beneficial in so many areas of life minus the areas that rely on a support system to get you through. I took “figure it out” so seriously that I failed to see how detrimental it can become in painful situations that require vulnerability. Because vulnerability relies on other people. And with a figure it out mentality, other people don’t fit in.

A few years ago I was faced with adversity people can’t prepare for. I was put in a position where the only road to healing was a depth of vulnerability I didn’t know existed. I was panicked because my figure it out mentality wasn’t working. I couldn’t do it alone but refused to admit it. It took 2 years for me to finally see this not as failure, but as a learning opportunity. And a year after that I walked out of my therapist’s office a completely new person. A year of weekly visits - visits preceding with near panic attacks and proceeding with numb shock of truth uncovered. A vicious cycle of truth, betrayal, pain, panic, anger, pain and finally acceptance. In the end, I walked away with an appreciation beyond what I ever imagined. I walked away not only thanking my therapist, but thanking the experience for teaching me wisdom, compassion, courage, strength, empathy and forgiveness in ways I never would have understood had I chosen to stay hardened towards my feelings. It was the hardest yet most crucial year of my life. It taught me more than every other year combined. I discovered the power of vulnerability, the strength behind verbalizing emotions, and the beauty hidden deep within our pain.

I’m willing to bet everyone has a(n) experience(s) that makes their palms sweaty, their hearts race, and their instincts scream, “RUN”. I’m willing to bet everyone has something they’ve buried deep within, deep enough to convince themselves they don’t think about it anymore.

I still hate being vulnerable. Expressing my emotions still feels unnatural. Even after discovering the importance of it, it’s still my biggest weakness. But my experience has developed a passion for helping others connect their dots of pain to habits created due to their fear of facing it. A passion to help others find the courage to do a little hard heart work in attempt to find their raw, tender, beautiful selves hidden beneath layers of insecurities and fear.

I’ll say this over and over: I’m not a therapist and by no means an expert. But I’m hoping through sharing my journey I can reach even just one of my fellow emotion haters. It’s hard as hell. I can’t stress that enough. But when I made the decision to heal, I didn’t look back. I refused to give up. I refused to let bitterness control my life. It stands as the healthiest and most important decision I’ve made thus far. Little did I know I’d find some beauty hidden throughout the process. I simply hope to shed some light on the beauty hidden within yours as well.

Cheers.